Helter Skelter
by Rei Helen
Summary: It all began one morning in the Negaverse, when Zoisite felt a little sick, and things go downhill from there. What happens when a new villain shows up, and recruits a more terrible ally than anything imaginable--The Spice Girls?!?
1. Helter Skelter

Helter Skelter

_This is one of those "first-fanfic" type affairs, but all in all it's a decent work. Superviolist, also an ffnet writer, deserves co-author credit for this one. Author's notes...who needs em, eh? Just read the story._ 

__

Helter Skelter!

First there was nothing…..

THEN THERE WAS FANFIC! All of a sudden, a bizarre universe snapped into existence. For a moment, everyone who had just been created wondered why they were here, what was their purpose in life, and why hadn't the author created enough donut stands? Then, as more donut stands were created, they got on with the lives they were apparently meant to live.

But there were dark forces, created for conflict in the fanfic which would have otherwise been a very dull world. Unfortunately, they couldn't stop bickering with each other.

"Nephlyte! Would you please get done with your primping? I need to take a shower!" screamed Zoisite, banging on the bathroom door.

"4997, 4998…" Nephlyte counted strokes as he brushed his hair.

"Yeah! You've been in there for an hour!" Jadeite shouted.

"I'm almost done," Nephlyte yelled.

"Yeah, that's what you said ten minutes ago!" Zoisite yelled. 

"Couldn't the all-powerful Negaverse have more than one bathroom?" Jadeite demanded. Where is Malachite, you ask? He's in front of the mirror back home, primping his cape and lovely green tresses.

"5000. All finished!" Nephlyte announced. "I would have been out sooner if you hadn't made me lose count."

"I should have slept in today," Jadeite muttered. For once, Zoisite agreed. 

"Grrrrrreat! My turn!!" Zoisite cried, lunging for the bathroom at the same time as Jadeite. Like idiots, they collided.

"Hey! I claimed it first!" Zoisite screamed. "ZOI!!!!!" she yelled, blasting Jadeite into the wall and swiftly capturing the bathroom in the same movement. She locked the door before Jadeite could get in. To complete her trademark villainy, she added a devilish laugh just loud enough for Jadeite to hear.

"I hate that!" Jadeite complained. He hunched down in a corner, and was bored for a while. "Why does Queen Beryl get her own bathroom and expect all four of us to share one?" 

Malachite tried to make a dramatic entrance to the room by swinging his cape around over his shoulder. Too bad the window was open. A breeze blew the cape in his face.

"My hair! My beautiful hair!" He gasped. He pulled a compact from his uniform and made sure his hair was still perfect.

"Do you have an ego problem or what?" Jadeite exclaimed. Malachite sneered in Jadeite's general (hahahaha what a pun) direction. 

"You're just jealous because you don't have the great looks…the defined, masculine but delicate build …the glimmering silky hair!" Malachite argued. Jadeite laughed sarcastically. Suddenly, they both fell silent. There was a quiet voice coming from the bathroom.

"Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight . . ." Zoisite sang.

"Zoisite, dear, would you cut the singing? Please!?!?!?" Malachite begged.

"Hmmmph! I don't like you any more, Malachite!" Zoisite screamed. Malachite rolled his eyes.

"Here we go again . . ." he muttered. He decided to leave the room and deal with the matter later. Before he could do so, Zoisite burst out of the bathroom in a newly pressed uniform.

"Don't you think the rose will work this time . . ." her voice trailed off as Malachite handed her the old rose. "Oh, Malachite, you do care!" Malachite winked at Jadeite.

"My turn! Whoopee!" Jadeite bolted into the bathroom. Zoisite turned an interesting shade of green.

"Uh, Jadeite, I really hate to put you out after you waited too long, but I think I'm gonna—bleah!" Zoisite cried, but it was too late. She threw up all over the floor.

"Oh, Zoey!" Malachite ran to her side.

"I think I'll be all right, I'm just a little dizzy…" She began to spew again, and Malachite pulled away.

"I just had this uniform dry-cleaned," he said.

"What's wrong?" Jadeite called over the hiss of the shower.

"Zoisite's just a little sick, that's all."

"CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GET ME A FRIGGIN TOWEL?!?!?" Zoisite shouted. Jadeite tossed a towel to Malachite, who tossed it to Zoisite. But the towel was toast, because Zoisite hurled again. 

"Maybe you should rest, Zoey. I'll carry you back home," Malachite offered reluctantly. Zoisite was very happy with this. 

Soon, Zoisite was resting at home with a bucket by her side. Malachite had made several unsuccessful attempts to take her temperature, but she barfed every time. He had given up.

"I'm thirsty, Malachite!" Zoisite called. She had a bell to ring every time she needed something. Malachite was very sorry he had given it to her.

"What would you like to drink?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"Avalon Natural Spring Water would be nice . . ." she said.

"But we have water . . ."

"Not Avalon . . ." Zoisite stuck out her lower lip and blinked repeatedly, looking like a sad puppy.

"Avalon it is . . ." he sighed. "I'll be back in a couple of minutes. If there's an emergency, get Nephlyte or something." Malachite attached his cape and left.

"Need any help?" a worker at the store asked. 

"NO!!!" Malachite yelled, and blasted the worker to the floor. Normally, he wouldn't have done such a thing, but Zoisite and her constant demands had put him in a _horrible _mood. Well, she was sick . . . 

He bought a case of Avalon. It was sickeningly over-priced, but for just this one occasion, it was all right. He bought it and was very eager to appease Zoisite. He should have known better . . .

"Did I say I wanted Avalon? I meant _Evian_!" Zoisite hit her head. This was a bad idea, though. It made her headache worse. Malachite thought for a second that he should blast her to nothing, but the thought quickly left his mind.

"But will you drink the Avalon? I paid 16 bucks for a case with four measly bottles!" Malachite complained. 

"I gue—bleaaaaaah!" She threw up again.

"That's it. I'm calling the doctor." Malachite picked up the phone.

"Uh…cape boy, _what_ doctor?" Zoisite coughed.

"Good question. I'll ask Nephlyte. He's always telling me the stars know everything. Oh, Neffy!"

"What?" he replied, sticking his head through the doorway.

"Can you tell us where to find a good doctor?"

"You might want to start at a hospital. It's a lot quicker than going door-to-door asking," Nephlyte said sagely.

"Quite funny. There are no hospitals in the Negaverse!" Malachite screamed, his temper getting the better of him again.

"Then go to Earth, dimwit!" Nephlyte groaned, shaking his head.

"You up to a teleport, Zoey?" asked Malachite.

"Just the thought of it makes me…" She leaned over the bucket again. "But I guess I'd better go."

"Okay, Zoey, then grab your bucket and we'll go."

Meanwhile on the streets of Tokyo, six teenagers rollerbladed down the street. Two cats were panting with the effort of keeping up with the girls.

"Look!" Lita cried. "It's Andrew!"

"Where? Whoa—YEEAAH!!" Serena twisted to look for him and fell. She immediately began bawling.

"Whoops! False alarm!" Lita said, putting her hand over her mouth.

"Serena! Are you all right?" asked Luna.

"Nooooo!" she wailed. "I—I think I broke my leg!"

"Really, Serena?" wondered Molly.

"C'mon, Serena, all you did was skin your knee," Raye said scornfully.

"I did not just skin my knee!" Serena snapped. "I need to get to a hospital _right now_!"

"Maybe…if you put one arm around Mina, and one around me, could we kind of roll you there?" the ever-intelligent Ami suggested.

"You can try," sobbed Serena. Mina and Ami lifted her up carefully, and began skating towards the hospital that had been created just for their purpose.

They ran into a couple just entering the hospital. "I'm thirsty again," said a voice that was vaguely familiar, though in an attempt to build up suspense none of the girls or cats could place it.

"That voice sounds familiar, but I just can't place it," the girls and cats said, except for Molly, who just said "Huh?"

"Something tells me I've seen those kids before," Malachite said.

"I wouldn't know," Zoisite said. All she was seeing was the inside of a bucket. When she looked up, she got dizzy and collapsed into Malachite's arms.

"Uh…may I help you?" asked a receptionist.

"Yeah. Zoisite is sick. Are there any doctors here?" asked Malachite. The receptionist looked at them over her wire-rimmed spectacles, wondering what to make of the situation.

"I, uh, assume you're first-time patients here?"

"Yeah. Can you help her?"

"I'll…uh…call one of the med. students. Here are some insurance forms for you to fill out." She handed Malachite a stack of papers that was about as thick as a phone book. "Next?"

"See that girl over there?" asked Raye. "She thinks she broke her leg skating. Now, I think—" Serena was growling from her seat.

The receptionist snapped her fingers. "Ronnie? Could you wheel that girl down to the emergency room?"

A guy who looked like a human version of Sweetums from the Muppet Show (Y'know, the big tall hairy thing?) bounded over. "Emergency room!" He lifted Serena onto a stretcher and started towards a big door with a flashing red sign that said "ER".

"Mina, could you call Darien for me and ask him to come down here?" Serena called from the stretcher.

"Okay, Serena!" Mina replied, happy to have her first speaking part. She picked up the pay phone, which someone had amazingly left their quarter in. She dialed Darien's number.

"Hi! This is Darien," Darien said.

"Hello Darien, it's Mina. You see, Serena hurt herself skating and we're all at the hospital, and she wants you to come down here."

"Is Serena hurt?!?! Must be bad! (Sound familiar?) I'm on my way!"

"Wait, Darien, it's not what you--" Mina sighed as she heard a dial tone.

Darien was already hopping from building to building, saying to himself, "Faster than a locomotive! Can leap tall buildings in a single bound! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's…TUXEDO MASK! Actually, Darien, but who's counting, eh?" He continued hopping until he reached the hospital. He threw open the doors. The girls rushed to meet him.

"Darien, I want to warn you, it's not---" Raye started.

"Where is Serena?" he demanded.

"Emergency room," the five girls sighed. Darien ran to the emergency room. 

"Darien! You came!" Serena cried happily. She had a rather large Band-Aid ® on her left knee.

"Is your leg . . . scraped?!?!" Darien was confused (what else is new?). "You brought me here for a scraped knee?!?!"

"It really stings, Darien . . ." Serena pouted. "Would you kiss it and make it all better?" she pleaded. All the nurses and doctors snickered.

"I feel _so _stupid," Darien muttered to himself as he leaned over to give Serena a peck on the . . . er . . . knee.

"Thanks, Darienie-poo! I feel all better! Wanna go out for some burgers and shakes?" Serena asked.

"Sure," Darien agreed.

"I've finished the papers," Malachite said. He had gone through four pens filling out those, and Zoisite had barfed about 3 gallons' worth.

"All right . . . Zoisite? The doctor will see you now," a receptionist said. She gulped. She had never seen a doctor before. Sometimes, she had turned them into Negaverse monsters, but that was it.

"I'll be out here," Malachite said. He picked up the latest edition of People Weekly.

"Now Zoisite, I understand that you've been experiencing nausea, correct?" the nurse asked.

"Excuse me?" Zoisite asked, her eyes wide.

"Throwing up, headaches, dizziness?"

"Oh, then yeah!" Zoisite nodded eagerly.

"Well, I'm going to ask you to urinate in this cup and---"

"What? Right here? Right now? No way does the elegant and beautiful Zoisite pee in a cup!" Zoisite folded her arms indignantly.

"Well, there is the less preferred blood test," the nurse offered.

"What do you do there?" Zoisite asked nervously.

"We draw blood from your bloodstream with a syringe."

"Show me the bathroom, lady!" It took a long time to get Zoisite to pee in the cup, and for Zoisite's sake, I won't describe anything.

"Well, I'll just take this down to the lab, and in about half an hour, we should know what's going on. See the receptionist at the desk for your bill." The nurse waved, but Zoisite didn't leave.

"You mean I'm supposed to pay you? I'm the one who had to pee in a cup, _remember_?" She stood up to argue in the woman's face, but it was a bad choice. Zoisite grew quite queasy, barfed, and promptly laid back down. Malachite came in to keep her company.

"What's up, sweetling?" he asked.

"I'm scared, Malachite. What if I'm dying? What if I lose my powers? I just can't live without being able to Zoi!"

Malachite got a sweat drop. "That's nothing compared to what Queen Beryl will say when she sees that bill! I wonder if our Nega-insurance covers all of this?!?"

"Don't worry. We're on the MNP--Mega-Nega Plan."

All of a sudden, music began playing. It gradually got louder, and Malachite could discern someone singing "Here come the Men in Black." Then the door blasted open. Two men stood in the doorway.

"We're the men in black, here to protect the Earth from the scum of the Universe."

"There must be some mistake," Malachite said, standing up. "You see, we're not even from this universe. We're a part of the Negaverse. Therefore, you can't destroy us. In fact, I could even slap you with a lawsuit that would pay Zoisite's hospital bills." Hmm. That might not be such a bad idea...

The MIBs grew pale. "Uh, sorry to bother you..."

"I'll see you in court!" Malachite called after them.

"Oh, Darien, don't you just love this new flavor of ice cream?" Serena gushed.

"Darien likes anything, so long as it's Dairy-food!" Rini giggled. Serena groaned at the bad pun. They each had Darien by an arm, so not much ice cream was making it to Darien's mouth.

"Funny, most guys would be _jealous _of a guy who has two girls after him," Darien muttered. This daughter of his . . . had some problems. The red eyes, the pink hair . . . where did this come from?

He was tempted to say: "I get it, Serena, you've been cheating on me!!", but that was more like something she'd say to him. Why couldn't Rini have gotten his beautiful silky black hair, that's what he wanted to know. Even Serena's hair would have been better.

Serena deviously eyed Darien's ice cream. "Are you gonna finish that?" she asked. _'At this rate, no' _he thought. He shook his head and she took it, finishing it in three huge bites. This made Rini insanely jealous.

"Darien's mine, stupid Serena!" she yelled. Darien set Rini down in front of him and tried to knock some sense into her.

"Rini . . . I--am--your--faaaaaather," he said. His allergies started acting up and he wheezed.

"Why couldn't you have been Serena's father?" Rini demanded. "I have to be eight years old, don't I? You just like Serena cause she's older! Well, Mr. Darien-Head, explain that!" Rini cried in her typical immature way.

"A few reasons . . . incest, cradle-robbing, bigamy. Such things aren't accepted in today's mature legal system . . . Plus, the dubbers would get really angry..." Darien went on and on. Serena and Rini got huge Sweatdrops and both fell asleep. 

Some time later . . .

"So, as you can plainly see, it's just unconstitutional!" Darien finished. "Serena? Rini? Um . . ." He went over to where the two were sleeping and shook them both.

"Darien . . ." they both sighed in their sleep. He rolled his eyes. How was he ever going to get them up? He shook them some more, to no avail.

"Hey, I bet Raye could wake them up!" Darien thought. As if on command, Raye and Mina rounded the corner.

"Look, it's Darien!" Raye cried. "Hi!"

"Raye, could you wake them up . . . please?"

"Sure thing. SERENA!!!! RINI!!!! GET YOUR MEATBALL HEADED BUTTS UP!!!" she screamed. 

"Wh-what? Was I sleeping? I'm so sorry, Darien. Raye, why'd you have to yell at me?" Serena mumbled. Serena was about to hug Darien's arm, but Rini beat her to it.

"Ha ha ha ha! I beat you!" she cried. Darien shrugged as Rini and Serena started screaming at each other as to who got Darien. 

"Maybe you should have let them sleep," Mina suggested. Darien smiled nervously.

"Come on, girls. You two should be getting home now . . ." Darien said. Again, Serena attached herself to one arm, Rini, the other. Darien sighed and led them home. 

"Well, Zoisite, your test results are in," the nurse said. Zoisite and Malachite were both very eager to find out what was up with Zoisite.

"Yes . . ." Zoisite said nervously.

"It seems that . . ."

What will come of Zoisite's medical condition? Will Rini ever realize that she's Darien's daughter? Will Serena and Raye ever resolve their differences? Is there really a man on the moon? Find out in the next exciting episode, _Dude Looks Like a Lady!_


	2. Dude Looks Like a Lady!

Part Two--**Dude looks like a lady!**

"Well, Zoisite, you're not sick," the nurse said, as if enjoying some private joke.

"Whaddaya mean, I'm not sick? I can't keep down water!"

"There's a reason for that, Zoisite."

"Then stop beating around the bush and tell us!" Malachite said.

"Zoisite, you're pregnant."

Zoisite turned pale and gulped. "How?"

The nurse sat down on a chair and took on a primary teacherish tone. "You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much..."

"I know about that," Zoisite snapped. "But I mean, I'm a man!"

Malachite giggled--and believe you me, Malachite giggling is a funny sight. "No you're not. This is the North American version."

"Oh. Oh yeah." Now Zoisite was blushing.

"So, uh, does this mean we can leave now?" Malachite asked.

"One more thing. Here are some pamphlets--"

"HOLD ON FOR A MOMENT!" cried the ominous voice of a DiC executive.

"THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE WHOLESOME FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT," added another.

"Yeah, and whaddaya mean by that?" asked Malachite, putting his hands on his hips.

"ZOISITE CAN'T BE PREGNANT OUT OF WEDLOCK!" a third voice put in. Then all three began chanting "Re-DUB! Re-DUB! Re-DUB!"

"But how could we have gotten married when the Negaverse doesn't have weddings?" Zoisite wondered.

"WE DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE!"

"Can you give us one more chance?" Malachite said.

"HMM..." The voices conferred. "ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU MUST BE MARRIED BEFORE 24 HOURS HAVE PASSED!" There was a huge thunder-clap, and Malachite and Zoisite were alone. The nurse had fled sometime during the conversation, leaving a trail of pamphlets with titles like "Raising a Happy, Healthy Child" and "Parenthood for Dummies."

"Oh, Malachite, how are we gonna get married in less than 24 hours? Who'd marry anyone in that short of notice?"

A lightbulb went on over Malachite's head. "C'mon, Zoey," he said. "We're catching the next plane for Las Vegas."

Meanwhile, at a club in Las Vegas . . .

"What do you call a chicken with two heads?" A man . . . well, it could have been a woman, was telling jokes. "Give up? I don't know either!" A tomato hit him squarely on the stomach. "Man, whoever threw that really needs to catch up! Get it? Catch up? Ketchup?" The audience groaned.

"How much more of this do we have to sit through?" a woman said. The comedian--his name was Klaus-- looked out the window and saw a man in a cape and the nicest hair he had ever seen.

"Wow, he looks just like my old boyfriend . . ." Klaus sighed. He dashed out the door and ran to Malachite. The audience cheered when Klaus left. 

"Oh, Malachite, where's a chapel? There's supposed to be tons, but it don't see any! Hey, here comes someone we can ask!" Zoisite was referring to Klaus.

"Excuse me, miss, do you know where we could find a chapel?" Malachite asked. Klaus had hearts in his eyes.

"You mean you want to marry me, too?" Klaus asked. He jumped into Malachite's arms.

"Hey, he's mine!" Zoisite cried, knocking Klaus out of Malachite's arms and jumping in herself.

"Why do you want her when you can have _me_?" Klaus asked, striking a "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" pose. Malachite snickered.

"Because . . . .(the background became pink and mushy music played) because I love her . . ." Malachite whispered.

"HEY! YOU!" a voice from above called. It was the DiC dubbers.

"Yes?" Klaus asked.

"I THOUGHT WE TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE, KLAUS!" the voice said. Klaus argued about how he had to get a job, and how he needed to pay his rent, so he couldn't leave right away.

"THIS IS UNWHOLESOME FOR OUR VIEWERS! THIS WAS YOUR LAST WARNING!" Klaus was kicked into the sky, straight toward the Negaverse.

Back in Tokyo, Ami, Lita, Rei, and Mina were at the arcade. Lita was gazing at Andrew, very depressed. Mina was, ironically, playing the new Sailor V game. Rei and Ami were watching her. Serena and Darien were on a date. Rini was at her friend's house, so they had taken advantage of it. Little did any of them know that the evil Mellotron was watching them.

"I think we've found the remainder of Serenity's army," he sneered. He had multiple personalities, so he always refereed to himself as we.

"Yes!" Mellotron replied. "And they're all a bunch of little girls! None of them have any idea of the power of the dark--I mean, the Mellotron!"

"Be careful," he warned himself. "They're probably using this trick to fool us. They may be very powerful!" This started an argument between his selves. It stopped when he slapped his own face and fell over unconscious. When his personalities worked together, they were very powerful, but that seldom happened. That was how Serenity had managed to defeat him in the first place. But now, they were back...

Jadeite was blow-drying his hair and singing the theme to "the Beverly Hillbillies." "Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed..."

Then he heard a scream and a crash. He turned his hair dryer on louder and continued singing. "Poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed."

Another crash. "Then one day he was shooting at some food..."

Footsteps. "When out of the ground came the bubbling crude." He turned to the doorway. "Oil, that is--Oh! Nephlyte! I didn't see you there!"

"Someone just landed in Beryl's grand hall, and she is not pleased..."

"Whaddaya mean, someone just landed in the Queen's hall? I thought the Negaverse wasn't accessible by anyone but us!"

"It's not the stars that know everything, it's the DiC dubbers."

"You mean..."

"I'm afraid so."

"Love me tender..." The Elvis impersonator paused to change chords and strummed again. "Love me true." He changed his hand again. "Never..." The chord was wrong, so he fixed his hand and cleared his throat. "Never let me..." Chord change, strum. "Go."

BLAST!!!!! He flew backwards into the wall. Malachite turned back to the minister.

"Uh, Zoisite, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" the minister asked.

"Of course! Why else would we come here?"

"Uh...yeah. And Malachite, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Yeah."

"Then I pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

"Wait a second! I thought you said he was my husband!" Zoisite said.

"He is."

"But you just pronounced us _man_ and wife," Malachite said. "I'm not getting it."

"Okay, okay," sighed the minister. "I now pronounce you _husband_ and wife."

"That's much better." Zoisite and Malachite kissed and left the chapel.

"I picked something up at the airport, darling," Malachite said, pulling a bag out of his cape and handing it to Zoisite. She opened it and gasped. Inside was a book, _Field Guide to Rocks and Minerals._

"Thank you, Malachite!" She began to flip through. "Molybdenite if it's a boy, or perhaps Alexandrite..."

"You're getting ahead of yourself, Zoey."

"I don't care, Mally, I'm just so excited!" She hugged him. "Now, what do you think of Zincite? Or Staurolite might be nice..."

"Darien, I'm home!!!" Rini yelled. Darien sighed. He shouldn't get used to freedom. 

"Hi, Rini," he sighed. Rini came in and expected a kiss from Darien.

"You don't kiss me like you kiss Serena!" Rini complained. Darien sighed again. This was not the first time she had made this objection. "I made some cookies for you!" Rini held up a paper plate with foil over it. Darien opened the foil and saw little heart-shaped sugar cookies with pale blue frosting and rainbow sprinkles.

"Who helped you make these?" he asked. Rini frowned.

"Lita," she mumbled. Then Serena came in.

"There you are, Rini! I've been looking all over for you, and Lita said you were here. I should have known the little brat would be here."

"Little brat? Where?" Rini asked. Serena gave her a _look_.

Then, Darien said the wrong thing. "You know, you two are so much alike, it's hilarious!" Darien got glares from both girls and a big sweatdrop as they told him off.

Back in the Negaverse . . .

"Can any of you explain why that is here?" asked Queen Beryl, pointing to an unconscious Klaus.

"Who is she--she's beautiful!" Jadeite gasped.

"I was hoping one of you would know. Have either of you seen Zoisite or Malachite? They're always off cavorting when I need them."

"I think Zoisite was sick, and Malachite was waiting on her," Nephlyte said.

"Then why aren't they in their house?!?" Beryl yelled.

"Actually, I think they went to the doctor..." Nephlyte added.

"Well, they'd better get back soon."

Meanwhile, Klaus began to come to. "Where am I?"

"You're in the Negaverse," Jadeite replied. Klaus looked from Nephlyte to Jadeite and thought _I must be in heaven!_ "Are you all right?"

"I think I'll be okay," Klaus sighed.

"What's your name?"

"It's Klaus...Klaus McKee."

"What are you doing here?" demanded Queen Beryl. Klaus turned over onto his back and began to make swimming motions.

"The backstroke!" he replied.

"You're beautiful," Jadeite whispered. They stared into each others eyes for a moment, then Jadeite's vision wandered. "You've...got stubble! Oh, how disgusting! I was falling in love with a man! Oh, how embarrassing!"

Klaus looked heartbroken. Beryl looked him over and nodded. "Get him fitted for a uniform. If Zoisite and Malachite don't return by midnight, Klaus will be my newest general."

Things were looking up for Klaus. "Do I get to wear a skirt?"

Beryl only laughed and sent them to the tailor's.

There was a Sailor Scout meeting at the Temple, and Rei got an ominous feeling.

"I have an ominous feeling," Rei told her friends.

"Really? What do you mean?" asked Serena.

Mellotron appeared.

"Oh, that. Moon prism power," Serena said in a monotone. They transformed.

"I'm Sailor Venus!"

"I'm Sailor Mercury!"

"I'm Sailor Mars!"

"I'm Sailor Jupiter!"

"I'm Sailor Moon!"

"And we're the Spice Girls!" they said in unison.

"And we'll punish you!" Rini tacked on.

"Ooh, we're scared," taunted Mellotron.

"What does he mean by we're?" wondered Sailor Venus.

"Mars . . . Fire . . . IGNITE!!!" Mars screamed. Unfortunately, she forgot to do her poses and nothing happened. "Oops," she muttered.

"Mercury Bubbles . . . BLAST!!!" Sailor Mercury, smart girl she is, did her motions and her yell, and the bubbles . . . well, they blasted. This did nothing to Mellotron.

"Ha! We're Bubble Immune!" he yelled.

"Let's see if you're immune to this! Jupiter Thunder CRASH!!!!" Jupiter yelled.

"Hey! No fair! We're not ready!" he ran away hurriedly.

"Scouts! CHARGE!!!" Sailor Moon yelled. The six went running after Mellotron. Rini jumped up onto Lita's shoulders so they could go faster.

"This is all _your _fault! No, it's _your_ fault!" Mellotron argued. He slapped himself in the face. Then he remembered that he could disappear.

A bell began to toll in the Negafortress. One...Two...Three...Four...Beryl smiled grimly. Klaus knelt before her, ready for the initiation to begin. Her two strongest warriors would have to work pretty fast to get back in time.

"Where is Malachite? It's getting awfully late..." Zoisite realised. Her watch said it was nearly midnight.

"Look!" Malachite exclaimed, holding a bucket full of quarters. "Maybe we should quit the Negaverse and use our powers to get rich!"

"The Negaverse!" gasped Zoisite. "Oh, god, we've been gone all day! Beryl will never forgive us unless we come up with a good excuse!"

"Isn't our kid a good enough excuse? She's always saying the more members of the Negaverse, the better!" Malachite suggested. A bell somewhere began to toll the hour. One...Two...Three...

"Malachite, don't. If Beryl knows--well, we're her two most powerful warriors. Our child--with both our powers--could either destroy her, or be her greatest power. Either way, we're probably going to end up dead. Don't tell anyone--not even Nephlyte and Jadeite. Please, Malachite," Zoisite whispered. Seven...Eight...Nine...

Malachite patted her head. "You're right, Zoey. I'll try to think of something better. Hmm...I was taking you to the hospital, and we thought we had found a sixth Sailor Scout?" Ten...

"I can work with that," Zoisite murmured. Eleven... They transported to the Negafortress.

Will Zoisite and Malachite get back in time? Will Mellotron ever stop arguing with himself? Have the Spice Girls now started calling themselves the Sailor Scouts? Does Klaus get to wear a skirt? Find out in the next episodic episode, [_Wannabe!_][1]

[Back to Helter Skelter!][2]

   [1]: wannabe.html
   [2]: helter.html



	3. Wannabe

Part Three--**Wannabe**

"Darien, will you marry me?" Rini asked. She held out a ring pop. Darien pondered the tough decision It was cherry, his favorite flavor...

"I...uh...." he stuttered.

"I got two of the cherry ones!" she said, waving them in front of his face. By now Darien was drooling.

"Must...be...strong..."

Serena ran in. "A whole bag of cherry ring pops for you, Darien!" she panted.

"Oh, Serena, you're just in time!" Darien ran to hug her. He then knelt down to kiss her feet before tearing open the bag of ring pops.

"This is SOOOOO not fair..." Rini pouted.

"You think it's not fair?" whispered Serena to Rini. "I bought that bag for me! Have you ever stopped to think, Rini, that if you got Darien, you would cease to exist?"

Rini looked Serena in the eyes. "No!" she said sweetly, then skipped away.

"Serena, for once, _you_ saved _my_ life!" Darien said around a ring pop. "As a token of my eternal gratitude, you can have one of my ring pops."

"Oh, Darien! You don't know what this means to me!" She scrutinized the pack for the one that was the biggest, and selected carefully. Darien knew well that Serena was easier to deal with when she had junk food.

Malachite and Zoisite appeared just as the twelfth bell began to sound. At this exact moment, Beryl began the initiation of Klaus--or, now, Klausite--as a General. Beryl tried to stop the ceremony, but it was out of her control.

Instead, she turned to Malachite and Zoisite. "You have a lot of explaining to do."

"My deepest apologies, majesty," Malachite said. "Zoisite and I were almost positive we had located a sixth Sailor Scout. We would have contacted you, but that would have broken our cover and she might have discovered us."

"But you did not?"

"No, majesty. Her powers turned out to be another type of superhero, called a 'power ranger'." Zoisite coughed to hide a snicker. Malachite could bullsh*t with the best of 'em. "Her fight is not our own, and not worth getting involved in."

"Very well, Malachite," Beryl said. It was obvious she had been hoping for a reason to blast the two generals, and now she wasn't going to get it. But she should have some sense. Unless this new initiate was much stronger than Malachite and Zoisite put together, which he sincerely doubted.

"Malachite," Zoisite whispered nervously. "Malachite, it's Klaus. I don't know how, or why, but it's Klaus."

"You're seeing things, darling," Malachite whispered back.

"Jadeite! Nephlyte! Come and witness the creation of the newest Negaverse General!" snapped Beryl. The two generals appeared.

"Here's the story...of a lovely lady! Who was bringing up three very lovely girls..." Jadeite sang as he appeared. Nephlyte appeared and joined in.

"All three had hair of gold, like their mother...the youngest one in curls!" they sang in unison.

"Silence!" Beryl shouted. Zoisite had to hold in a laugh. 

As they watched, Klausite stood. The top of his uniform was the same of the rest of theirs, except with pink edging. However, his gray miniskirt--complete with bright pink seams--was tight enough to show the Nega Generals more than they wanted to know. Let's just say, there wasn't much doubt that Klaus was a man.

"Hey!" Nephlyte whispered to the other Generals. "Why don't the DiC dubbers come and take care of that?"

"Nephlyte, you idiot!" Malachite said. "Speak of the devil and they shall--"

"DO YOU NEVER STOP MAKING TROUBLE, KLAUS?" asked a voice. The skirt was immediatly pleated and came down past his knees.

"MAYBE WE SHOULD REDUB HIM AS A WOMAN, TOO," another voice suggested.

"Would you really?" Klaus asked, pleading in his eyes.

"NO. HE'D ENJOY IT TOO MUCH. OUR WORK HERE IS DONE...FOR NOW." Malachite and Zoisite got the uncanny feeling of being glared at. The feeling was so creepy that Zoisite dropped her book. She tried to pick it up, but Jadeite beat her to it.

"The _Field Guide to Rocks and Minerals_?" he read.

"You know how I love to collect rocks," Malachite replied, laughing sheepishly. Jadeite handed him the book, sensing that those two were hiding something.

Mellotron shook his head. His other selves had made a fool of him again. "You made a fool of me!" he bickered with himself. "No, dimwit, you made a fool of me!"

"Enough of this," he told himself. "We need to defeat those sailor girls." He paused. "But we cannot do it alone..." he realised. "We must find help."

"Who'd help us? We're evil!" Then Mellotron had an idea. He remembered something the Sailor Scouts had said, and decided to hitch the next plane to England.

"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends!" sang five out-of-tune voices. They pressed a button on a big machine and the voices came out perfectly, including harmonization. The one with frizzy blackish-brown hair zapped a pile of CDs and they were seeping with evil energy. She cackled, sort of like Zoisite's laugh, but less charming. The other four girls joined in. It sounded like the Wicked Witch of the West in stereo.

"Hay! Somewan's at the door!" The one with long red hair cried. They formed a Conga line and sang "Somewan's at the door! Somewan's at the door!" All five stood together as they answered.

"Hello?" asked Mellotron.

"I'm Mel B!"

"I'm Mel C!"

"I'm Geri!"

"I'm Victoria!"

"I'm Emma!"

"And we're the Spice Girls!!!" they finished together.

"Great! You're just who we're looking for. Let me tell you about my evil plot," 

Mellotron explained.

"Shouldn't we transform first? I think we should transform first. Scary Prism POWER!" Mel B said. The background music to "Say You'll Be There" played.

"Sporty POWER!"

"Sexy POWER!" A DiC executive cleared their throat. "Ginger POWER!"

"Posh POWER!"

"Baby POWER!! Geez, that sounds pathetic. Why can't I have a better name? And why am I always last?" Emma whined.

"We're the Spice Scouts! Here to . . . uh . . . keep wrongs wrong and triumph over good. In the name of Spice, we'll eat you!!!" they said together. 

"Great! Now, we'll have the Sailors out-numbered!" Mellotron cried.

"Ooh, we get to be part of an evil plan!" Mel C cried. They all rubbed their hands together vigorously, as if warming them up. 

"Yes, girls, come with me. We shall see how the Sailor Scouts can handle this!" 

"That store clerk . . . see the dreamy one? He looks just like my old boyfriend . . ." Lita sighed. She and Mina were at the mall. 

"But I thought the guy at Foot Locker looked just like your old boyfriend! Or was it the guy at the GAP?" Mina pondered this for a moment, but Rei came running up to them.

"I sense evil, but very far away! We have to call a Sailor meeting right away!" The three girls got out their communicators and called Ami, Serena, and Rini, even though Rini doesn't add anything useful to Sailor meetings.

Soon, they were all at Rei's grandfather's temple. Serena was eating a ring pop with a triumphant look on her face, and Rini was pouting. 

"I swear, this is the best ring pop I've ever tasted!"

"Stupid Serena stole my Darien," Rini said, ignoring Serena.

"YOUR Darien?" Serena yelled. "He never was your Darien. He's mine! Mine! Mine mine mine mine mine!"

"Hey, guys, this is Sailor business," Lita said.

"What's more important that Darien?" Rini and Serena asked at once.

"Guys, even though that Mellotron ran away, there's no telling when he may return..." said Ami.

"Oh, yeah, him. Is that this evil you're sensing, Rei?" asked Serena.

"I don't think so. It's too strong." Rei answered. Suddenly, 5 females and a male appeared. Or maybe six males.

The Sailor Scouts transformed.

"Oh, Malachite," Zoisite called, sticking her head out of the bathroom. Malachite pulled a pillow over his head. "Now would be a good time to buy me some Evian..."

"Please, Zoisite, I'm trying to sleep..."

"BUY ME SOME EVIAN OR I'LL ZOI YOU, MALACHITE!!!" Zoisite yelled.

"C'mon, dear, you wouldn't want your baby to grow up without a father!" Malachite replied.

"Then you'd better go get it, huh, Malachite?"

Malachite got up, grumbling about how Zoisite never used to be like this. He got dressed and put on his best cape. He decided to get her back, if only in a little way. "See if I ever come back!" he yelled.

"Bad music blast!" shouted Sailor Baby.

"Mercury bubbles blast!" Ami countered, and the Bad Music stopped.

"Hey, what's going on?" demanded Mellotron.

"Billboard top one hundred!" screamed Sailor Posh. "SMASH!!"

"Venus Crescent Beam Smash!" Another Spice Scout rendered harmless.

"C'mon, Sailor Sporty!" Sailor Scary yelled.

"Broken Records CRASH!" Sailor Sporty cried.

"Jupiter Thunder!" shouted Sailor Jupiter. "CRASH!" The broken records that had been flying at her were engulfed in lightning and fell to the ground, harmless.

"Ugly shoes IGNITE!" shouted Sailor Ginger. Rei sent the flaming shoes back at their sender with her Mars fire.

Sailor Scary's tongue ring began to glow. "Tongue piercing..." She took it out if her mouth and it floated above her hand.

"MOON TIARA!" Sailor Moon added quickly.

"MAGIC!!!!" They finished at once. The moon tiara and tongue ring collided, and there was a blinding flash of light. When their eyes cleared, the Sailor Scouts were alone.

Zoisite dried her hair with a towel, trying to convince herself that Malachite would come back. He wouldn't just abandon her...would he? She would just be strong until he came back and apologized...should be soon...any minute now, he'd come through that door and everything would be all right...

"Hey, have you seen Malachite?" asked Jadeite.

Zoisite threw herself at him, tears streaming from her eyes. "Oh, Jadeite, he's left me and he hates me and he's never coming back..."

"Calm down, Zoisite. You may've had a little spat but Malachite loves you. He'll come back," Jadeite said soothingly. He picked up a ponytail holder off the counter and handed it to Zoisite, who tied her hair back silently.

"I miss him so much..." she whispered, wailing over to his closet and pulling out one of his capes to wrap around herself. Something pricked her back. She reached into a hidden pocket in the cape, and found a rose. "Malachite..." she began to say, then started bawling like Serena.

Serena was late--again. Not to school, not to a sailor meeting, but to her brother Sammy's little league game. She carried Luna in one arm and a donut in her other hand as she bounded towards the bleachers.

"Now, Serena, you're getting powder in my nose!" Luna sneezed a kitty sneeze to emphasize her point.

"But it's the championship game and I promised Sammy I'd be there for him," Serena said.

"You could at least keep your donut out of my face," Luna sighed, getting a big sweatdrop.

"Oh, good. I'm just in time to see Sammy up to bat!" Serena said happily. Sammy approached the plate.

Malachite was already planning his apology for Zoisite. She had been getting annoying, but it really was too harsh of him to say that he was leaving her. He hoped that the rose and the case of Evian would make it up to her.

He walked home from the supermarket quickly. Some kids were playing baseball, across the field from the sidewalk he walked on. He heard the crack of a ball meeting a bat, just as a gust blew his cape in his face.

"Hey, watch out!" voices were yelling. But when he finally managed to disentangle himself from his cape, it was too late. The baseball connected solidly with his head.

"Yeah Sammy!" Serena jumped up, clapping. "A home run!"

"Serena!" Luna yelled. "That ball is headed right for the man out there!"

"Oh my gosh, you're right!" Serena stuffed the remainder of her donut into her mouth and grabbed Luna under her arm again, then took off at a run towards the guy. "HEY!" she yelled. "WATCH OUT!" She was too late. The man appeared to be tangled up in a cape, and was heading right into the path of the baseball. He only saw it too late, and fell as the ball collided with his head.

Serena got to where he lay in the grass. "Gotta get home," he whispered, and his eyes closed. Serena shook him.

"Hey, Wintergreen head!" she yelled. "Wake up! Are you okay?" she asked.

His eyes opened again, and he looked terrified. "I--I can't remember. Who am I?"

"You got hit on the head with a baseball," Serena said gently. "D'you remember?" He shook his head. By now people had come to see if he was all right.

"He's got a bump on his head and total amnesia," Serena told them. Her brother pushed through.

"Hey, Mr., I'm really sorry I hit that baseball--"

"You couldn't have meant to." Malachite said. He put his hand to his head, sighed. "That's gonna be a bruise." He sat up.

"Wait a second." Serena plucked a crushed rose off the ground where Malachite had been lying. A few petals fell back into the grass. It made her think of Darien and how she'd feel if he forgot about her. Did this guy have a girlfriend somewhere? "Was this yours?" she asked.

"I...I think." Malachite twisted the rose in his hands, and it glowed and began to bloom again Amazingly, no one but Serena and Luna seemed to notice.

Music began playing. The boys on Sammy's baseball team's eyes lit up. Serena was practically drooling. It was the ice cream truck!

"Ice cream on the house!" yelled the cheery driver. (The Negaverse music begins to play.) He started to hand out ice cream cones. "Two for a handsome little boy like you," the driver said.

Jadeite, hiding behind a rack of popsicles, blew a wisp of hair out of his eyes. "I don't believe you talked me into this, Klausite."

"C'mon, Jed, this is fun!" Klausite replied. "Look at all the hot guys!"

"I prefer to stay back here," Jadeite sighed.

"Oh, c'mon. Is Zoisite rubbing off on you?" Klausite asked.

"It's not like Malachite to be gone like this," Jadeite said.

"What are you worrying about him for? He's taken!" Klausite said cheerfully.

"Klausite, I never thought I'd say this, but...." For a moment the ice cream truck disappeared and Jadeite stood against a heroic background. A flag flapped in the breeze. "You have no comphrehension of friendship, do you Klausite? You could never understand what it takes to have a friend, not because you want a favor but because you believe in them and they believe in you. You help them out, not because you want them to owe you, but because you know that they'd do the same for you, and when they're sad or in trouble, you feel the same way. That's what friendship is all about." The ice cream truck reappeared.

"Oh, Jadeite, I love it when you talk morals," Klaus gushed, fluttering his eyelashes. Jadeite shook his head. It was so sad that he had to waste such a good speech on a guy like Klaus. He should've known better.

"Serena, don't eat the ice cream!" Luna said quickly. "It's a trap from the Negaverse! Call the scouts right away!" Serena pulled out her communicator. "Rei, Ami, Lita, Mina, Rini!" she said. "I need you at the baseball field right away!"

"I'm on my way, Serena!" Mina said, hopping onto her bike with Artemis in the basket. Soon all the scouts were there--and Darien, who had sensed the Negaverse.

"Hey, Serena. Who's the guy in the cape?" Darien asked.

"I don't know. Sammy accidentally hit him on the head with a baseball and he has total amnesia!"

"Well, I'm an expert about amnesia. Got that Star Locket with you, Serena?" Darien asked.

"Darien, that's _our_ Star Locket, significant of what _we've _shared. Anyways, I've never seen Wintergreen Head before in my life! And he did something weird, too. He made this rose start glowing--"

"That's it! First the cape, now the rose? Next it'll be a mask! I'm gonna go give Spearmint Man over there a piece of my mind!"

"Darien, no! You can't just tell him who you are!" Serena yelled. Darien put his hands on his hips.

"And why not?" he replied.

"Why d'you think they call them, 'secret identities'?" Serena wondered. Darien blushed and got a sweatdrop.

"Oh. Oh yeah." As he spoke, the members of Sammy's baseball team were falling over, unconscious.

"What's causing it?" Serena asked Luna.

"It's the Negaverse," Luna replied.

"That man in the truck is their newest General!"

"Here we go again. Moon prism power."

"Mercury Power!"

"Mars Power!"

"Venus Power!"

"Jupiter Power!"

Darien did his little-known transformation scene and hopped on top of a lamppost, waiting for the moment when there seemed to be no hope left.

"Now look what you've done! You're so self confident that you don't even plan for if the Sailor Scouts appear!" Jadeite shouted at Klausite. "You're gonna have to fend for yourself on this one." Jadeite disappeared.

Klausite gulped, then jumped out the window of the Truck. "Uh...Sailor Scouts beware! In the name of the Negaverse, I will--oh my god, it's Tuxedo Mask! You are so hot!"

Tux decided it looked like the Sailor Scouts would not be needing his help and left.

"Mercury Bubbles!" Sailor Mercury shouted.

"Ooh, look at all the pretty bubbles!" Klaus said. At first the Sailors thought he was being sarcastic, but he really was looking at the bubbles.

"Mars...Fire...IGNITE!" Sailor Mars yelled.

"Ack! Eek! Hot, hot!" Klaus ran to a puddle and doused himself in it. "I'll get you yet, my pretties! You, and your little cats too! And maybe even Tux!" Klaus disappeared.

Jadeite bowed to his queen. "I can work with Klaus no longer, majesty," Jadeite said.

"Why not, Jadeite?"

"He loses his concentration whenever he sees another man. His plans are thin and have flaws a child would see, when he makes them at all."

"You should teach him!"

"You cannot teach one who has no desire to learn."

"JADEITE, I'VE HAD ENOUGH! You're fired!" Queen Beryl shouted.

"FIRE me? You CAN'T fire me! I quit!" Jadeite disappeared.

"Well, what nerve! Nephlyte, get your butt up here NOW!"

Nephlyte appeared and bowed. "You screamed, Majesty?" he said.

"Yes. I want you to train Klausite in the ways of the Negaverse. I trust you will not fail me, as Jadeite did."

Nephlyte gulped. "I will not fail you, your majesty."

Klausite appeared. "Where's Jadeite?" he panted. "I need help!"

"Jadeite is...gone. Your new teacher will be Nephlyte." Klausite smiled.

"I have a girlfriend," Nephlyte whispered to Klausite.

Klausite frowned. All of a sudden they heard a huge sob, then a long wail.

"What the heck was that?" Queen Beryl demanded.

"I would think Zoisite would be dehydrated by now," Nephlyte sighed.

Are the Spice Girls completely vanquished? Will Darien and Malachite resolve their differences? Will Zoisite ever stop crying? Find out in the next thrilling installment, [_Where's the love?_][1]

[ Back to Helter Skelter][2]

   [1]: wheresthe.html
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	4. Where's the Love?

Part Four--**Where's the Love?**

Serena's family decided that since it had been Sammy that gave Malachite amnesia, they would take care of him until he figured out who he was or someone came and claimed him.

"I feel like a lost puppy," Malachite said.

"Calm down, Wintergreen Head. We put an ad in the paper," Serena said.

"Would you stop calling me that!?!?" Malachite shouted.

"Well, what should I call you?" Serena asked.

"Uh..."

"Hold on, I'll go get you a baby name book." Serena ran up the stairs. Just then someone knocked on the door. Malachite went to answer it, and it was Mina and Ami.

"Is Serena here?" Mina asked.

"She's upstairs," Malachite replied.

"How are you doing?" Ami asked.

"I guess I'm all right...but I still can't remember anything."

"Hey Serena! We're here!" Lita yelled. "And I brought some homemade cookies!" She and Rei had come to the door.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Serena said, running down to meet them. "Here." She gave Malachite the book, and he began to flip through while the girls munched on Lita's cookies.

"It's so nice to have a get together without Rini," Serena said with a mouthful. The other girls agreed.

"Rini...she's the little, pink-haired one, right?" Malachite asked.

"That's right," Mina said.

"You all can start calling me Mike," Malachite said, putting down the book.

"Why Mike?" Serena asked.

"I just like the way it sounds, I guess."

Zoisite finally did cry herself out, and after staying up worrying half the night, she fell asleep.

"Malachite?" she asked in her dream

"I'm not Malachite, but the courageous soul of Malachite..."

"Where are you?"

"I don't know these people. I don't know where I am....but you have to find me, Zoisite. It is your destiny..." He began fading.

"Malachite, don't go...you can't go, you can't!"

"The force will be with you...always." She could still see his eyes glowing long after Malachite had faded.

Zoisite woke up and began wailing again, much to the dismay of the remaining generals, and they all got very little sleep that night.

"We have a new evil plan, Mellotron!" Mel B told her leader. "Listen. A one two three four!"

"Candlelight and soul forever, dream of you and me together, say you believe it, say you believe it!" the Spice Girls sang. Their voices were seeping with evil energy.

"It's wonderful! What does it do?"

"Everyone who buys the song or even listens to it will unknowingly give their power to us!" explained Geri. "It's get so much airplay, there'll be no one who can stop us when we take over the world!" They began their evil cackling.

"You make us so proud," Mellotron said, sniffing back tears.

"And when the world is ours, we'll make everyone our slaves! We'll even make them LISTEN TO OUR MUSIC!" Emma yelled. More evil cackling.

"A plan like that is so great to make a supervillain weep."

"Now, let's get the first printing on the shelves. Before you know it, the world will dance to our tune!" shouted Victoria. With that, they went to put their evil plan into action.

"Serena, may I turn on your radio?" asked Lita.

"Go ahead," Serena replied. Lita went to turn it on. A song was fading out.

"That was...yawn...the new one from the Spice Girls, Two become..." the DJ sounded like he wanted a nap. He couldn't even finish the name of the song before he started snoring. Even the Sailors and Malachite felt a little drowsy all of a sudden.

"That's awfully strange," yawned Ami.

"The name 'Spice girls' sounds awfully familiar," Rei said skeptically.

"Oh yeah, they're really popular. They even have nicknames for them like Posh Spice, Ginger Spice, Sporty Spice..." They all looked at each other and gasped.

"The Spice Scouts!" they said as one.

"Huh?" Malachite asked.

"So, what makes you want to work here?" asked a guy whose nametag said "Steve."

"To make money," Jadeite replied honestly. He was applying for a job selling popcorn at the movie theater.

"Uhh...for former occupation, you've listed Negaverse General. Is this some type of military position?"

"Yes."

"Well, Jed, we'll call you back later this week and tell you if you've got that job."

"Thanks, Steve." Jadeite left the theater. "Loooser," he whistled, walking into the parking lot. He began to whistle the theme to Bewitched. He started to really get into it, and was swaying and snapping his fingers when he ran into the cutest girl he'd ever seen. She was holding a white cat and giggling.

"Uh...sorry...getting a little carried away," Jadeite said, blushing.

"No, you're a good dancer," she replied.

"You think so? Really?"

"Sure. I love Bewitched." She left, running to catch up with her friend, her blond hair sweeping around her. Jadeite started to melt.

"What took you so long back there?" Lita asked. Lita and Mina had walked to the mall, because there was a big Spice Girls sale that they wanted to check out for Nega-energy.

"Him." Mina pointed to Jadeite.

"Ooh, he's dreamy," Lita said.

"I know..." Mina drifted off.

"He looks just--"

"Don't say it."

"Like my sister's old boyfriend. What'd you think I was gonna say?" Lita asked innocently, and Mina got a sweatdrop.

"I think Mina's been bitten by the love bug," Artemis said.

"Don't be silly, Artemis," Mina said. "How can a car bite anyone?" She got weird looks from both Lita and Artemis. "Herbie the Love bug. Duh..."

Now it was Lita and Artemis's turn to get sweatdrops.

Nephlyte was already starting to get sick of the situation. With Malachite missing, Zoisite doing nothing but drinking Avalon Spring Water and crying, and Jadeite gone to some mysterious end, he began to wonder if he was the only sane one around. Plus, having to take care of Klausite was like adding insult to injury. Not only did he have no time to see Molly, he had to spend most of his time with a guy who, to put it bluntly, had a crush on him.

"Okay, when I put this symbol on something, it...Klausite, are you even listening?" Nephlyte was trying to teach Klausite something about the Negaverse, but Klausite was only gazing at him with a dreamy look in his eyes.

"Of course I'm listening! I love the way you talk. It's so..." Klausite began giggling. Nephlyte groaned. He grabbed Klausite by the arm. "Ooh. He touched me..." Klausite started.

"C'mon! We're gonna go do something evil!" Nephlyte yelled, and the two disappeared.

Zoisite realized that Malachite's cape was nearly soaked through with her tears, and was struck with a sudden sense of duty. She stood up, the sodden cape swirling around her. "I can't sit around any longer!" she shouted. "I'm not going to just wait for Malachite to come back! He may be in trouble, and it's up to me to save him!" she began to do Sailor-Moon-ish poses. "We may've fought, but he's still the best friend I've ever had and I love him! I'm not going to stand idle while he's hurting! And when I find him, I'm going to save him, and we're never going to fight again! True love will prevail! I won't stop until Malachite and I are together again!" She was about to stride out of the door, when she realized she might need a disguise. Good thing Malachite left most of his uniforms. As she buttoned the shirt up, she noticed something.

"So that's why he always wears the top fastener undone. It fell off! The DiC editors aren't going to like this..." Another fastener appeared on the top, and she closed it, then looked over herself. Malachite's clothes were a little baggy on her, but okay. His boots were too big, but the uniform didn't look too bad with a pair of her own. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and frowned. Even with a new dry cape, she looked like Zoisite in Malachite's clothes. What else could she do?

It hurt terribly to do it, but she pulled the ponytail holder out of her hair. She'd never gone without it since she was a little kid. Desperate times called for desperate measures. She ran a brush through her hair a couple times, then took a last look in the mirror.

Satisfied with her disguise, she strode out the door and teleported to earth.

Serena was delighted to learn that, though Mike didn't remember who he was, he did know how to drive. She asked him to take Ami, Rei, and herself to the mall. He agreed, glad for something to break the monotony. He wanted to buy something to wear other than the clothes he'd borrowed from Serena's dad.

In the car, Rei and Serena sat in the back, giggling about how cool it was to get a ride from a hot guy like Mike, while Ami sat next to Mike, making polite conversation about something Serena couldn't even pretend to understand. From what Mike was saying, he wasn't getting much out of the conversation either...

They entered the mall together, walking towards where they planned to meet Mina and Lita.

"Hey, Mike, look! You're a trendsetter!" Serena said, pointing to a girl in a cape just like the one Malachite had been wearing yesterday. Serena was about to toss a penny into the fountain, but she dropped it on the floor, and it rolled away.

"I'll get it," Malachite said.

Zoisite swirled around. She could've sworn she'd heard his voice! But the only people on the other side of the fountain were a couple girls tossing in pennies. She must be so worried she was hearing things!

Malachite got off his hands and knees just as Zoisite turned back around and walked away.

"Thanks, Mike," Serena said.

"Look, it's Mina and Lita!" Rei said.

"Sorry we're late, we ran into a really cute guy at the movie theater!" Lita said.

"Yeah, literally!" Mina added.

"That's nothing! We got one to drive us here," Serena said proudly.

"Oh! Hi, Mike!" Lita said.

"I'm going to go look at those magazines over there. Is there any time you want me to take you home?" Malachite asked.

"Um...how about two hours from now?" suggested Rei. The girls nodded.

"Great! See you then!" Malachite said, rather Andrew-ish-ly. He walked over to a magazine rack and began flipping through a music magazine. Most of the pages were devoted to those Spice Girls. In fact, even the sports magazines were centered around those people. You kind of had to wonder when there were girls playing football in skimpy clothes and platforms. Though he couldn't help but stare...not because he thought they were pretty, but he was under their spell. He shook himself out of it as he heard crashing coming from the music store.

"These CDs are evil!" cried a voice that sounded vaguely familiar. "On behalf of the moon, I will destroy them!" Hadn't Serena said something about visiting the CD store? He'd better make sure she was okay.

"What does she mean, they're evil? I haven't touched them!" Nephlyte murmured. "Have you actually done something right for a change and made something evil?"

"Me? No way! I haven't taken my eyes off you all morning," Klausite replied.

"I can believe that. Well, Klausite, here's your test. There are the Sailor Scouts. Can you think of a plan to defeat them?" Nephlyte asked.

"Oh, Neffy, I'm scared! I think I'm going to wet my..." Klausite blushed. "Too late."

"That's it. Watch the _expert_ at work." He entered the music store. "Sailor Scouts! I am Nephlyte, and I will--"

"Maxfield! I haven't seen you in, like, forever!" Molly cried. Nephlyte got a sweatdrop and started to laugh nervously.

"Uh, Molly, can't you see I'm a little busy at the moment?" he said.

"Too busy to say so much as a word to me for the last week? Now that I've found you, you're not getting away without an explanation!"

"Things have been tough at work. I've had to train the new guy, and a couple of the other guys have been gone so I'm getting their work too..."

"Then I think you need a break, Maxfield! Let's go to the food court and get a chocolate parfait." Molly literally dragged him away.

Klausite, embarrassed at wetting his skirt, decided it was time to return to Queen Beryl, and for once the Sailor Scouts didn't have to fight anyone to destroy the CDs.

But there were plenty of other stores across the world, and the Sailors couldn't hit all of them...

_[On To Part Five--Just a Girl!][1]_

[Back to Helter Skelter][2]

   [1]: justgirl.html
   [2]: helter.html



	5. Just a Girl

Part Five--**Just a Girl**

"Hi, is Jed there?" asked a voice on the phone.

"Speaking," Jadeite replied, putting his TV dinner in the microwave. He rather liked his new apartment.

"Well, this is Steve, and you got the job!"

"Great! When do I start?"

"Tomorrow, from one to six. Can you make it?"

"Yeah, I'll be there!" Jadeite hung up. Yes, he finally had a job, an apartment, and a bathroom all to himself. Things were looking good.

Then the doorbell rang, and it was Nephlyte.

"Want a roommate?" he asked. Jadeite stared at him, and Nephlyte started to make sad puppy-dog faces. "I don't eat much...I'll sleep on the couch and do your laundry and I won't be any bother at all..."

Jadeite couldn't really say no, could he? He'd miss having his own bathroom, yeah, but he needed someone to gush about how pretty that girl he ran into was...

All alone in his room, Klausite began practicing threats as Beryl had told him to. "If you come one step closer, I will PERSONALLY shave your eyeballs!" he punched one of those weighted things you punch and it comes back that had a big yellow happy face on it. "DIE! Diediediediedie!" He got a pin out of his hair and popped the happy face, then laughed evilly. "Now that I've defeated this punching bag, I can go and scope out cute guys!" Klausite teleported to earth, next to the mall he and Nephlyte had been in a couple days ago. There was a big poster for the new Leo DiCaprio movie, and Klaus was drawn to the theater like a moth to a lightbulb.

"No, not him..." Jadeite groaned as he saw Klaus walk into the theater. His nametag said Jed. A little kid walked up to the counter.

"I want a small popcorn please," he lisped.

"That'll be...uh..." Jadeite looked up at the prices. "Two fifty."

"Isn't that a lot for such a little popcorn?" the kid asked.

"Yeah, you're right. You can have it for a dollar."

The kid's eyes lit up. "Really?" he said.

"Sure, why not?" Jadeite handed him the popcorn.

"Hey, Mina! The new Leo DiCaprio movie comes out today!" Lita said.

"Oh, he's so dreamy, I bet he looks just like your old boyfriend!" Mina replied.

"Even hotter! That's why I've got tickets!"

"All right!" They rode their bikes down to the theater.

"Look at him," Lita said, pointing to Klaus and giggling. Both girls giggled as they rode by, then locked their bikes. They went inside the first door, just behind the guy they'd been giggling at. "Hey! That cute guy you ran into works here!"

"Really?" Then Mina saw him. She slammed open the second door, squashing Klaus against the wall. She ran towards the popcorn stand, where Jadeite was whistling the theme to "I Dream of Jeannie." She leaned on the counter and stared.

"That's my favorite show, y'know," she said.

"Really? I thought I was the only one who liked it!"

"No way! Jeannie's the best! I can't believe you don't know anyone who likes it! She had such nice hair..." Mina trailed off.

"Yours is even nicer," Jadeite replied shyly.

"Thanks," Mina replied. Lita groaned.

"Can't I buy some candy here?" she asked.

"Oh! Uh, sure. Okay. What kind do you want?"

"Skittles."

"That'll be fifty cents."

Lita's jaw dropped. "But the board says they're two dollars!"

"Don't you think that's a little steep?" Jadeite wondered.

"Yeah, but..."

"Here you go." He turned back to Mina. "What kind of candy would you like, beautiful?"

"My name's Mina, and I'd like some M&Ms, if that's okay."

"That's just great." Jadeite handed her a bag.

Lita tried to drag Mina away. "We're going to miss the movie..."

"Uh...Mina? Would you like to go out sometime? Maybe catch a movie?" asked Jadeite.

"Sure, Jed, I'd love to! When?"

Jadeite vaulted over the counter. "How about now?" he said, taking her hand.

Lita couldn't take it any more. "You can't just abandon the popcorn stand!"

"I'd do anything for Mina..." Jadeite replied dreamily.

"That's it." Lita went into the actual theater and left the lovebirds to get there themselves. They sat a few rows ahead of her, and Jadeite had his arm around Mina for the whole movie. It would've been cute if it hadn't been so annoying! 

"Rini, um, you're cutting off my circulation!" Darien cried, shaking his arm, which Rini was clinging to. 

"I'm never letting you go, Darien! You're MINE!!" She hugged even tighter. Darien's arm was purple.

"Rini, let go!" Darien used his other hand to try to pry her off. "If you squeeze any tighter, my hand will fall off!"

"Well, at least I'll have a part of you!" Rini cried. Serena walked in. 

"Rini, get off of Darien right now!!" she yelled, grabbing Darien's other arm.

"Oh, great," Darien muttered. Luna came in through the window and saw the three.

"Serena, Rini, would you leave Darien alone!" she yelled. Rini let go, dropping to the floor. "Now, Serena." Serena slowly dropped Darien's arm. Darien panted as his arms slowly regained their color.

"Luna, can I use my scepter on Rini?" Serena asked.

"Most certainly not! Remember, she is your future daughter."

"Then why is the little brat trying to STEAL MY DARIEN?!?!?" Serena demanded. 

"_Your_ Darien? HE'S MY DARIEN!!" Rini yelled. Luna got a sweatdrop.

"I see what you mean. Go ahead and use the scepter . . . but only make her disappear for a little while!"

"Disappear? I'll never disappear. In fact, it's not even my fault I'm he---" Rini disappeared and Darien let out a whoop of joy.

"Now we can have some time alone . . bye Luna!" Serena shoved Luna out the window.

"SUGGESTIVE LINE! CUT!!" the DiC editors yelled. Before you could say "Liverwurst", all of Serena's "friends" were in the room also.

"Liverwu---Yep, you're right," Serena said. She swore and was struck by DiC lightning. Her pigtails were frizzed, but nothing a little Anti-Frizz couldn't fix. 

"Your eyes are like a beautiful daytime sky, Mina," Jadeite was saying. Lita was looking very grumpy, and Ami was wondering what happened to her English book. Raye was yelling at Chad for no particular reason, other than just to yell at him. Serena got a sweatdrop. This was gonna be a looooooong day.

Zoisite was wandering. She didn't know where she was going, where she'd been. How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man? Or even a woman with a slight case of pregnancy. The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind. A paper smacked Zoisite in the face.

"OH! The arcade!" She dashed around the corner to a building with a sign that read "Arcade". "This must be the place." She wandered around, and was tempted to play the latest Sailor V game, but passes, remembering her mission. Suddenly, she bumped into a blond man in an apron.

"Can I help you?" he asked. She asked him if he'd seen Malachite, giving a description.

"About yay high, minty green hair, glowing eyes, wears an outfit somewhat like this."

"Well, Serena brought a guy with green hair--Serena's a girl I know--in here a few hours ago, and he begged me for free tokens. Didn't give them to him, of course. I hate it when customers do that. Well, is that all--hey, where'd she go?" Zoisite was bolting down the street. Then she stopped.

"Who's Serena? That name sounds _so_ familiar . . ." she searched her memory, but nothing clicked. "Could that be . . . Nephlyte's girlfriend's friend? With the ridiculous hairstyle?" It sounded right, but she'd better find out. Now where was Nephlyte when you needed him?

"My friend Melvin let me borrow this," Molly told Nephlyte. She handed him a CD.

"Melvin listens to the Smashing Pumpkins?" Nephlyte said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah! He wouldn't even let me borrow his Metallica. Where's your CD player?"

"It's in Jadeite's room." Nephlyte hadn't meant to invite Molly over. It was just they had been out seeing a movie and Molly wanted to see his new place. Then they'd started listening to CDs and eating ice cream, and now it was almost time for Jadeite to get home.

They'd just started listening when there was somebody pounding on the door. Nephlyte went to get it, and was shocked to see someone wearing Malachite's uniform.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"It's Zoisite. Remember? Oh, the hair." She held it back with her hand. "Now do you remember?"

"Zoisite! Didn't recognize you without the ponytail. Why are you wearing Malachite's uniform? It's awfully big on you..."

"Oh, shut up, Nephlyte. Molly! You're here! Good! Where's Serena?"

"I don't know! At home with that guy she met, I think..."

"What guy?" demanded Zoisite.

"Mike, the one with green hair and amnesia."

"Mike?" Zoisite's face fell. Then Jadeite came in.

"You look mighty happy. What's up?" Nephlyte asked.

"I got fired!" he said happily. This gave Molly, Nephlyte, and Zoisite Sweatdrops.

"Huh?" said Nephlyte.

"I saw that girl again and her name is Mina and we went out to a movie together and she's so nice and sweet and beautiful and smart and--"

"And we get the point," Zoisite said. "Now, Molly, are you sure his name is Mike?"

"It sure sounded like Mike, though I could be mistaken..."

"Where does Serena live?"

"Hold on and I'll give her your address."

"Hey, Zoisite, why the sudden interest in Serena? I know Malachite's bi, but--" began Jadeite.

"She might know where my Malachite is," Zoisite snapped.

"She's Sailor Moon, y'know," Jadeite said innocently.

"Then why didn't you tell me before!?!?" yelled Zoisite.

"I tried to, but nobody listened!" Jadeite stuck out his tongue. "And Raye's Sailor Mars, and Ami's Sailor Mercury...and Mina...is the most beautiful girl in the world..." Jadeite drifted off dreamily. Nephlyte, Molly, and Zoisite all got sweatdrops.

"So, Klaus, why do you want this job?" Steve asked.

"I've always wanted to work in a movie theater..." Klausite replied dreamily. This Steve guy was hot, even hotter than Jadeite!

"All right. We really need a new popcorn guy, so we're going to have to ask you to start today. And our other guy's sick, so you're going to be working with me...if that's not a problem."

"No prob...Steve. I can't wait to start!"

Steve stared at the new guy. He was almost as cute as Jed had been, but this guy was almost flirting with him! No, he wouldn't loose Klaus the way he lost Jed. And maybe he'd gain a new boyfriend...

"We're ready to put our final part of the plan into action, Mellotron," Mel C said.

"We just can't wait to find out what it is," Mellotron replied eagerly.

"Spice Girls: The Movie. Opening in Theaters tomorrow. And when the Sailors come, we'll be ready for them!" Mel B said, cackling like a madwoman. She and the other Spice Scouts grabbed hands and danced in a circle.

"We're gonna beat up the Sailor Scouts, we're gonna beat up the Sailor Scouts!" they sang, horribly out of tune.

"Spice Power will prevail!" Geri yelled. The others cheered. Mellotron grinned an evil grin.

"Those Sailors will never know what hit them when they come to the theater tomorrow!" He threw his head back and laughed like villains always do.

"NO!!! YOU CAN'T HURT MINA!" Jadeite screamed in his nightmare. Nephlyte turned over in his sleeping bag.

"He's doing it again," he murmured.

"Tell me about it," Zoisite replied from her sleeping bag, halfway across the room. "Is he always like this? Screaming in his sleep?"

"Yeah. You should be glad it's nightmares tonight. Last night it was good dreams," Nephlyte said.

"Good dreams? Whaddaya mean, good dreams?"

"I mean, like, _really_ good dreams." He stared at her. "You know what I mean."

"NOOO!!! MINA, YOU CAN'T DIE! I WON'T LET YOU!!!"

"This won't do at all. I'm not getting my beauty rest." Zoisite pulled a pillow over her head.

"Better idea." Nephlyte left and came back.

"What'd you do, Nef?" asked Zoisite.

"Put a pillow over Jadeite's head."

"Oh. You are going to help me find Malachite tomorrow, right?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Mike was bashing his head against the refrigerator, trying to remember. It was just too hard not to know who he was...even if it did mean giving himself a headache. The rose, the Evian, the cape...what did it all mean?

"Hey, cape boy," Darien said mysteriously. "Is Serena here?"

_Cape Boy...who was it that called me cape boy? _"No, she's at the temple. D'you want to go there?"

Darien raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you having enough fun bashing your head against the refrigerator?"

"Don't worry, Darien, I've got plenty of time." They stared at each other.

"Serena's my girlfriend. We're going to be together forever, and you can't change it. Nah-nah nah-nah-nah."

"She's all yours, Darien. But if something happens to her, her parents are gonna blame me. I'm going with you to the temple."

"I can take care of Serena!" Darien yelled.

"I'M GOING TO THE TEMPLE!!!!"

Darien got a sweatdrop and shrugged. "All right."

Already at the temple were Serena, Mina, Lita, Ami, Raye, Rini, Luna, and Artemis. Rini had appeared a few moments ago, much changed. She was actually accepting her parentage.

"Mommy?" she asked sweetly. "Where do babies come from?" Serena got a sweatdrop.

"How much longer is this going to take?" Mina asked. "I promised I'd meet Jed at the theater--soon!"

"Look at this, Serena!" Ami said, opening the newspaper. "The Spice Girls made a movie!"

"Oh, man. We've gotta stop them!"

"You're going to the theater, Mina?" Chad asked. "I bet Raye and I could go see a movie."

"Yeah! And I could go with Darien and Ami could go with Greg!" Serena said cheerfully. "And while we were there, we could check out what the Spice Girls were up to!"

"Oh, dear. Here we go again..." Luna began.

"What about me?" asked Lita. "I'm not going to go alone!"

"You can go with Mike!"

"Did I hear my name?" Malachite walked in with Darien.

"Yeah! We were all going to go see a movie, and we wanted you to come along!"

"Ooh, Mommy, can I come? Pretty please with sugar on top?" Rini begged.

Darien noticed something. Rini hadn't attached herself to his arm or tried to get him to kiss her. What the heck was going on?

"Yes, Rini, you can come." Serena walked up to Darien.

"What happened?" Darien asked.

"The DiC people got wind of her trying to hit on her father. Of course they intervened. Wanna go see a movie with us all?"

"Sure!"

Zoisite rang Serena's doorbell. Her mother answered.

"Hi," Zoisite said. "I was looking for Serena."

"I'm sorry! She just went down to the temple. Do you want me to tell her you were here?"

"That's okay, I'll go meet her there. Thank you!" Zoisite said with forced cheerfulness. She got back in the car with Nephlyte. "To the temple," she said.

"Okay," Nephlyte replied, and began humming the Monkeys theme song.

"What, is Jadeite rubbing off on you?" Zoisite asked irritably. "Can't you drive any faster?" Nephlyte smiled. She was becoming the Zoisite he knew again.

"We're almost there," was all he said.

"Malachite in the hands of Sailor Moon? I sure hope he's okay." They were about to pull into the parking lot when they saw the distinctive mint green hair of Malachite, as he was getting into a car with Serena and a bunch of other people. "THAT'S HIM!!! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE WITH HIM!?!?" She jumped out of the car. "MALACHITE! MALACHITE, IT'S ME!!!"

"It's no use! They can't hear you," Nephlyte said, sticking his head out the window.

Zoisite got back into the car. "Follow that car," she ordered him. Nephlyte raised an eyebrow. _Had she always been so bossy?_

Then he had to hide a smile. _Yes._

  


Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion, [**The End is the Beginning is the End!!!**][1]

   [1]: endisthe.html



	6. The End is the Beginning is the End

Part Six--**The End is the Beginning is the End**

Jadeite stood outside of the theater, looking at his watch and holding a bouquet of flowers he hoped to surprise Mina with. He would've waited inside, but Klausite had been in there, flirting with Steve. Then a car pulled into the parking lot. Another squealed to a stop as the light turned red. Jadeite squinted. Was that Nephlyte? What was he doing here?

"Oh Jed! You look wonderful!" Mina ran to hug him, and they had a bit of a Kodak moment.

"I...uh...bought you these," Jadeite said shyly. He handed her the flowers.

"Oh, thank you, Jed!" She kissed his cheek. Jadeite turned red. Everyone but Jadeite and Mina got sweatdrops.

"Let's go, Chad," Raye said, dragging him to the counter. The ticket person was actually Geri in disguise. "Two for the Spice Girls movie," she said.

"All right, ma'am," Geri replied. "That's nine bucks."

"Chad?"

"Oh...oh yeah..." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ten, a stick of bubble gum, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trading card, and some pocket lint. Darien looked over Chad's shoulder.

"Hey, I don't have that one! I'll trade you for Donatello," he said. Serena tugged his sleeve and gave him a look.

"Steve, you pop that popcorn so well..." gushed Klaus.

"You have a way with the drink machine yourself," Steve replied.

"Hi. We want a large popcorn, two large cokes, Skittles, Junior Mints, a hotdog, and...uh...what do you want, Raye?" Chad asked.

"Small Sprite and a soft pretzel," Raye replied.

"What?" Klaus said ditzily.

"I said, 'Hi. We want a large popcorn, two large cokes, Skittles, Junior Mints, a hotdog, a small Sprite, and a Soft Pretzel.'" Chad shook his head. "Duh..."

"Okay. Coming right up."

Zoisite and Nephlyte parked, and Zoisite ran to the ticket counter.

"May I help you?" asked the lady behind the counter.

"I want a ticket to whatever movie they're seeing," Zoisite said breathlessly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, that's booked solid. Bye!" She slammed down the shade on the ticket window.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!" She yelled, banging on the window. No answer. Zoisite looked at Nephlyte, who had just caught up with her. She put her hands on her hips, her eyes fixed in a vengeful glare. "Now I'm angry. She..." Zoisite paused for effect. "Is gonna pay. ZOI!" The door shattered just as the last of Serena and her friends got into the theater where they were showing the Spice Girls movie. An evil looking woman was about to lock the door, when Chad burst out the door.

"I, like, have a major need for a toilet break, if you get what I mean." He ran for the bathroom.

"He's not one of them," said the Ticket lady. "Lock it." The other one locked the door.

"SPICE SCOUTS TRANSFORM!" shouted the leader, as three more evil-looking women appeared. "SCARY PRISM POWER!"

Nephlyte and Zoisite couldn't watch.

"What's going on?" Steve screamed.

"I'll save you!" Klaus replied. "To the Negaverse!" Klausite and Steve disappeared.

"Okay, now let's get those Sailors!" said Sailor Ginger. They walked right through the door. Zoisite tried to do the same, but only ended up smacking into it. She tried to Zoi it, but it didn't work.

"C'mon," Nephlyte said, grabbing her arm. He pointed to another door that was open, and let to a staircase. "It goes to the projector room."

"Let's go!" They ran up the stairs.

Meanwhile in the screening room, the battle was just beginning. "I knew it was a trap," Luna sighed.

Serena had a dilemma. If she transformed now, Mike and Jadeite would know who she really was. But if she didn't...

"C'mon, Sailor Moon!" Jadeite yelled at her.

"Huh? Me?"

"Usagi--I mean, Serena, you're wasting time!"

"Okay. MOON PRISM POWER!!" It was a five-way transformation scene, and Jadeite was shocked to see that his beloved Mina was Sailor Venus.

"She's even more beautiful," he whispered in disbelief.

"You don't think you can defeat us, do you?" laughed Sailor Posh. "Billboard top One Hundred SMASH!" she yelled, directing her attack at Sailor Venus. She flew backwards into the seats, and Jadeite ran to her.

"Save yourself, Jadeite," she whispered.

"I'll never leave you!" he replied fiercely.

"I didn't think they could be so powerful..." she drifted off, unable to keep her eyes open.

"Are you dying?" Jadeite asked quickly.

"No, I'm just fainting," she replied. "I'll wake up when the battle is over, and you'll kneel by my side and whine about how you wish you could've helped me until then." She began to collapse then, and Jadeite caught her, lowering her to the ground.

"Oh, Mina, I really really care about you and I wish I could've helped..." he began saying. Meanwhile, Malachite was hiding behind a row of seats, trying to figure out what he could do. He had to help Serena, but how?

Sailor Jupiter decided to attack before they got a chance to attack her. "Jupiter Thunder Crash!" she yelled. Her lighting just barely frizzed Sailor Sporty's hair, but it made her very angry.

"Frizz my hair!? I'll show you! Broken Records Crash!" Lita found herself under attack. She fell over, bleeding from the cuts the broken records left. Her eyes closed and she was unconscious.

"I don't get it! Where are they getting all of that energy?"

Then a little bunny hopped across the movie screen.

"Don't you think this is a little...childish?" Zoisite asked, as Nephlyte used his other hand to make a dog bark at the bunny. The bunny turned into a duck.

"Hah. You're just jealous because you can't make a butterfly!"

"Can too!" A butterfly fluttered across the screen. She then made an obscene gesture in front of the projector.

"You accuse me of being childish," Nephlyte muttered. Zoisite stuck out her tongue.

"Ami! Can you use your goggles to see what's making them so powerful?" called Sailor Moon, in the pause created by the animals on the screen.

"I can try!" Sailor Mercury touched her earring and her glasses zapped over her eyes. "How odd! All I see is hair and designer shoes!"

"You mean, the Spice Scouts are nothing but hair and platforms?" Serena giggled.

"And energy--lots of ener--" she was cut off as a Spice Scout blasted her. Greg ran to see if she was all right.

"I don't understand it. How--" She didn't finish the sentence, as she fainted.

"MARS FIRE IGNITE!" Sailor Mars yelled, but a flaming shoe whacked her in the head and she was unconscious before she could even scream.

"Now would be a good time to save us, Tuxedo Mask!" Sailor Moon yelled. The duck and dog on the screen were obstructed by the masked figure that hovered in the air.

"I am the hero that flaps in the night...I am the idiot that forgot to visit the florist!" Tux yelled.

"Stupid Daddy," Rini said, before she, too was blasted.

"As for you, Sailor Moon..." the Spice Scouts said as one.

_It's now or never, _Malachite thought, creeping towards Serena.

"SPICE SCOUTS UNITE!" Sailor Scary shouted. The Spice Scouts melded into one figure that flashed from Scout to Scout.

"You're dead, Sailor Moon! FIVE BECOME ONE-NNA BE!" They all yelled, and a deadly ball of energy formed in their hands. It began to fly towards her.

"NO!" Malachite yelled, jumping in its way. He took the blast and fell, and Zoisite let out a scream.

"MALACHITE!!!!!" Before Nephlyte could stop her, Zoisite jumped through the glass and flew towards Malachite.

"They used all their power to attack you!" Tuxedo Mask yelled.

"Yes, Sailor Moon, now is the time to use the Scepter!" Luna added, while Zoisite landed next to Malachite.

"Moon Scepter Elimination!" Sailor Moon yelled. The Spice Girls disappeared.

"What happened?" Sailor Venus asked, as she woke up.

Meanwhile, Zoisite was crying silently. Malachite wasn't breathing, and he didn't have a pulse. She tried CPR, but he didn't respond.

"Sailor Moon..." she wept. "You must heal him..."

"Oh, Mike!" Sailor Moon gasped. "Is he...?"

"You've got to save him...You're the only one who can..."

"How?"

"Moon healing, dimwit!" Raye yelled from her position on the floor.

"Oh! Oh yeah. Moon Healing...Activation!" She made a circle with her wand, and then there was a tactful commercial break and it was Serena who stood beside Malachite and Zoisite.

"C'mon, wake up!" Zoisite said. Malachite blinked.

"Zoi..." he tried to say.

"Shh. Don't strain yourself."

"Your...your hair..." Malachite grinned.

The door swung open, and it was Chad. He looked at the chaos of broken glass, spilled food and pop, and the scorch mark that had been the Spice Girls. "Whoa," he said in his typical surfer dude accent. "What happened?"

Raye went to meet him, and put a hand on his arm. "It's a very long story."

"I'm so glad you're alive, honey-pumpkin," Zoisite whispered to Malachite. Darien flew down to give Malachite a piece of his mind.

"It was bad enough when you were wearing a cape..." he began.

"I'm glad to be here, sweetie..." Malachite whispered back to Zoisite.

"And the rose was like adding insult to injury..." Darien continued.

"I missed you so much, Mally," Zoisite said.

"And now you're saving Sailor Moon! It's my job to save Sailor Moon!"

"I missed you even when I didn't know who I was, Zoey. I knew I was missing something, but I couldn't remember what!"

"Who do you think you are, anyway? Me?" Darien went on and on, but neither Zoisite nor Malachite were listening.

"You're hurt! You're all cut up!" Malachite said.

"And I heard you call him cape boy! I thought that was your special name for _me_!"

"Not as bad as you, Mally. I had to jump through a window to get to you before you died..."

"You did that for me, love?"

"I'd do anything for you, dear..." The Sailors smiled as they watched the two of them kiss. Jadeite put his arm around Mina, and she smiled at him. Darien and Serena hugged, with Rini in between them.

And what was Nephlyte doing, you ask? He put his hands in front of the projector and made a heart.

Perfect.

Well, not entirely perfect...

Mellotron angrily paced his lair. "They may have defeated our Spice Scouts, but it's not over yet! We shall return, I swear it! And when we do..." He thought for a moment, deciding what his next target for his evil deeds would be. "It's Malachite's fault we don't have the crystal. But if we kidnap his wife, he will be able to do nothing to stop us from getting what I want! Hahahahahahahahahaheeheeheeheehahahaheeheeheeho!"

The End...Of the Beginning

  


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